I am losing my ever-loving mind.

I wonder how many of my touring friends out there, who have occasionally bounced back to mom and dad’s between gigs for a few weeks, and have now been there for months with no end in sight, feel the same way.

I was supposed to buy a house this year.

But guess that’s not happening. Banks are suspicious of my career at the best of times and downright hate it now. Which I especially love because I’ve actually been successful at it. ::face palm, all.the.face.palms::

So I’ve started extensively researching RVs and trying to figure out how much it would cost to live on the road.

The cost of campgrounds, being overwhelmed at figuring out how to install solar panels, and feeling like I don’t know how to do reliable WiFi (which is necessary or I lose my job) all keep stopping me.

But I can’t stop constantly scrolling and looking for info. And, honestly, I’ve learned a lot the last two months and actually feel like if I could sort the power and WiFi questions especially, I could do this.

I also constantly check for fully funded PhD scholarships in theatre in the UK regularly. But the thought of all those applications and also going back to school full time… makes me hesitate.

Also, the savings factor that was totally obvious for an MA isn’t quite as large for a PhD. I just like how they teach better over there.

But I keep googling.

I’m so far past stir crazy, I like don’t even know what to do.

I would also feel better if I just moved out. I’m well aware. But to where? I have no idea. Maybe rent another apartment in South Jersey, but to be honest, I don’t know.

Sigh.

I started this post yesterday.

I feel a smidge better today.

But man, oh man, do I ever just feel trapped these days.

The depression is real. I mentioned something to one of my best friend’s this morning and her text reply that ended in “you are doing such an incredible job of adapting to this awful awful year” just brought me to tears because I do not feel like I am.

But maybe I’m faking it real well.

It’s also not like there is any other option.

I do not handle life well when I’m not moving forward.

 

Not that this has much to do with money. Or trying to go from broke to rich (I mean, a little? It’s certainly part of why I moved back in with my dad).

Maybe it’s my own reminder that the smartest financial decisions sometimes suck.

And sometimes they suck so much that trying to optimize every penny isn’t the best choice and it’s smarter to take a different route.

Like… maybe a houseboat?

Friends, please talk me out of buying a house boat.

Ugh. I hope your week is going better than mine. Or if it’s not, and especially if you’re an arts worker, know you’re not alone.