Between the recession and being right in the middle of this (possibly insane) decision to get a PhD, I have been dealing with more financial uncertainty than I’m used to. Every once in a while, I scroll through my old accountability updates and try to remind myself that I’ve weather periods of uncertainty just fine in the past.

Overall, I have found my career choices in stage management highly rewarding and fulfilling, but I never love these periods of uncertainty, even more so when I feel increasingly committed to this main project causing my current financial instability. I’m well aware that if I just walked away from school and returned to America, I could probably go back to full time work pretty easily. Trying to balance the various visa restrictions, need to be in England to do this phase of my research (and also probably to maintain my also increasingly invested romantic relationship), and not freak out watching my bank account slowly drain has just been a delight lately.

When work is abundant, I can enjoy my comfortable lifestyle, but when the work dries up, its pretty stressful. Which is actually kind of funny because I have largely found this life to be feast or famine but when there’s a work feast, there’s very little time for any actual feasting or fun. When things are slow though, it feels like the stress and anxiety that can seep into every aspect of their life.

I think there is a real psychological impact of not having a steady income that we don’t discuss much as freelancers. We may feel like we are not successful or that we are not good enough at what we do. This kind of negative self-talk can be incredibly damaging and can lead to a lack of motivation and productivity. I often think of the friend who is the same age and the conversation we had when I was thinking about buying a house. We both had been inclined to live in subpar situations for years longer than it was actually necessary because what if everything fell apart? He told me he had bought a condo about two years earlier, a little stressed about how he was going to afford it, and found that not only was it all very doable but the quality of life increase was actually insane – far more important than he had realized.

I know that when things get uncertain, I definitely scrutinize my spending habits and start to feel guilty about making any kind of purchase, no matter how small. This can be especially difficult after things have been good for a while and I’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle or developed habits like eating out (which is nearly impossible not to develop if you tour a lot), shopping, or taking vacations. The stress of not being able to afford these little luxuries can take a toll.

Psychologically, this is due to the concept of “loss aversion,” which refers to the tendency for people to prefer avoiding losses over acquiring equivalent gains. In other words, people tend to place a higher value on what they already have than on what they might gain. When a freelancer experiences a drop in income, they are essentially experiencing a loss, and this loss can feel much more significant than any potential gains they might make by spending money. As a result, they may feel a strong urge to avoid spending money, even if it means sacrificing things that they enjoy.

Like quitting roller skating lessons, at least for now, because both the cost feels too high and the idea of blocking out a day a week when maybe I might get scheduled to work is not an option. That last factor is particularly frustrating right now due to my variable schedule with digital producing. For the last two years, there was so much work that if I blocked off a day a week it was no big deal. Now that’s not really an option.

To deal with this kind of stress, it’s important to remember that our financial situation is not a reflection of our worth as a person or as a professional. Instead, it’s important to focus on building resilience and developing healthy coping mechanisms (she says, eyeing the dust covered yoga mat in the corner). This might include taking steps to diversify income streams, setting realistic financial goals, and seeking support from friends, family, or professional networks.

Of course, we can always try to find ways to treat ourselves without breaking the bank. This might include things like taking a walk in nature, practicing yoga or meditation, or spending time with loved ones. These kinds of activities can be just as fulfilling as more expensive purchases and can help to alleviate stress and anxiety. My partner and I are pretty keen on game nights – which are free at home or just £5 for the evening to go play some new games at the local game cafe.

I am increasingly understanding why so many people emphasized financial stress as the worst element of graduate school. I think I blocked out how unpleasant it was during my MA and I also had a very strong “how much damage can I do in one year?” mentality. I have doubled down on as much as I can do with my school stuff to finish in 3 years, but only 2% of PhDs actually do – though a large majority do finish before 4 years. I had definitely hoped that my main financial plan was going to hold together financially for at least one more year and then it would be down to just “how much damage can I do in one year again?” if it went awry in the final year. Maybe the recession will sort itself out and work will pick up again next quarter. At the moment, juggling such a potentially long stretch of restrictions is kind of stressful.

Or I could just drop out. I generally think about that option at some point every day too. Yay, grad school.