When you think about difficult people, is there someone who immediately comes to mind?

Personally, there is one performer who did manage to leave such a scar that I often thought of them as my example person while reading this book.

Not that we ever have to deal with difficult personalities in stage management.

But if we did, this book would have some useful tips. ;0)

Let’s start with a little caveat that I didn’t love this book. I think it’s ok. It’s got some useful tips, but if you’re just starting your reading in management and psychology studies, there are many I recommend ahead of this one (like The Soulful Art of Persuasion).

The book feels a little dated and it took me quite a while to figure out why it just had a vibe that rubbed me the wrong way the whole time and it’s because 99.9% of the book revolves around the idea that the conflict is your fault and your responsibility to deal with it.

There’s a difference between being proactive in dealing with difficult situations, even if you didn’t create them, and feeling responsible for the creation of the difficult situation.

I don’t know, has anyone else read this and just gotten the same weird vibe from it? I would love to hear your take in the comments.

But, like I said, there were some useful nuggets in there.

A large section of the book centers on controlling your own reactions to things and creating a positive life outlook so it’s harder to fall into a spiral of negativity.

One exercise I particularly liked was when the book encourages you to think of someone who lives in a mood you want to live in and ask this person what they think about.

I already decided if I’m ever as an SMA or BSMS mixer and I run into Ruth Kramer or Ira Mont, I’m going to ask them because the mood both of them give off every time I’ve encountered them, even if it was just listening to them speak on panels, is very much the mood I’m hoping to achieve.

They both somehow ooze friendly and supportive. I don’t understand how they manage to do it so gosh darn well. I don’t even know them and I just want to trust them to run things and highly suspect they will be kind and fair while they do it.

In that same section, the book also tells you to find something to be happy about everyday which is borderline crunchy but very in line with The Science of Well-Being class I took for two months, which, FYI, quantified happiness and had you take a test at the beginning of class and the end.

I had gone up 4 whole points in happiness over the course of the class, which was, by their rubric, fairly awesome. So maybe crunchy, but likely accurate.

If you’re dealing with difficult people, figure out how to get yourself centered first. Ask people who seem pretty centered about how on earth they are doing it.

The book also references breathing exercises a lot. Again, another throwback to The Science of Well-Being.

One quote I did really like was in the section talking about that gut feeling you get when a difficult person approached. When you know deep down you are about to live this difficult encounter. Crowe described the physical feeling that happens – your blood pressure rises, your stomach churns, your jaw clenches – and I have honestly lived that before, so it struck a chord.

In an effort to diffuse this moment, she writes, “next time you hear your difficult person coming, try a new thought, ‘I’m ready for you. I can do this. I can handle this. You’re my teacher. I’m going to handle this better. I’m going to become a better person.’”

I feel like I have a level of tolerance for difficult people where I don’t even really respond to the fact they’re being difficult – they’re just being them. But for the few who cross that threshold, it does become a totally visceral response when they approach and my main takeaway from this book is to try to embody that above paragraph the next time I’m in a situation like that.

I did also love this clear tip which I try to remember to use regularly – paraphrase any commitments made during a conversation at the end. “Ok, so just to double check, Andy, you’ll get us the sound cues by Wednesday and Bert, you’ll research the make-up you think you want the performers to use and let the production manager know the costs by tomorrow night, right?” A reminder never hurts.

Overall, if you’re looking for something new to read and have read a lot of the standard management books, Since Strangling Isn’t An Option… Dealing With Difficult People – Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions by Sandra A. Crowe could be a good choice, especially if you’ve been working in some really high stress situations and are having trouble controlling your own reactions to what’s going on.

However, it’s got a lot of info that is very similar to the topics covered in The Science of Well-Being course, which I feel is far more interactive and the information is a little more up to date.