Friends, things are starting to happen again.

I have an interview this week for a short contract with an opera company I worked for a few years ago.

And I have to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about it.

I really enjoyed working for that company. The director is my favorite director I’ve ever worked with (and I’ve been incredibly lucky to work with many good ones). I think the shows they create are really cool.

But I thought I would be more excited.

Instead I feel very apprehensive.

I’ve cobbled together this odd little freelance life in digital events that is giving me an unusual amount of freedom right now.

At the main gig, I can just block out a day here or there if I have things I want to do and no questions are asked.

At the side gig, I can easily get coverage any time I want to switch a shift.

And overall, knock on wood since they are both freelance gigs, I am making enough money to be totally fine these days even with all that freedom.

I don’t love them. And I definitely miss the excitement of a live show. However, I do use like 85-90% of my stage management skills at both. I just don’t get to call shows right now.

But life is weirdly easy. Or maybe life just actually has balance to it.

When I look at my calendar, I see a lot of work (yay) but also weekend marked off to visit breweries and beaches with friends or go horseback riding. I plan to go camping on Memorial Day weekend and I didn’t have to worry about losing a gig when I agreed to go a few months ago.

One of my best friends, who often forget I’m home because I am so unreliable, has recently started texting and asking me if I want to do things instead of only waiting till I reach out. This may sound so silly but it’s actually a really big deal to me.

I am anxious about rocking both of the freelance work boats to take a month long gig. I’m not sure if they’ll work with me to disappear for a month or not.

It leaves me wondering about the future a bit.

I was chatting with a friend about this just today as he is in the same boat (we literally work for the same freelance company and he wants to go take a 10 week contract working sound for a show) and he said this:

The emotional shift that I’ve felt is that my self-value is placed way less on, “Am I good sound number 2? Will you validate me as a good sound number 2? I’m a good person because I’m a good sound number 2.” And it’s more, “I’m doing a few different things, and I’d like to be with a lot of them, but you know what, if you don’t want me to do that gig, that’s fine. I’ve got time to do some of the other things that I want to do.”

Because that’s a bit of the conundrum I’ve been struggling with all year, isn’t it? If I’m not a stage manager what am I?

I was definitely feeling this even during the semester teaching right before the pandemic. It all just felt a bit wrong to not be stage managing. But I had also reached a point where it felt like all I was, was a stage manager. Which wasn’t healthy at all either.

Is it so wrong to just wish for a little more stability and balance to the whole career? Sigh.

Well. That’s enough of that. Wish me luck on the interview – or don’t, because I guess if I bomb it, I don’t even have to choose?

Nah, wish me luck. I’d rather have to choose.