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Everyone makes mistakes. That may as well be a universal law. That said, it’s true to say that the scope and spectrum of mistakes made can differ from person to person. Making mistakes is rarely something that people chase, they tend to come from being misguided, not understanding our choices fully, or thinking we can minimize the impact of poor decision-making.

However, if you’ve made a particularly egregious, public, or shameful mistake that you feel awful about, it can be hard to forgive yourself for it. In a way, this can lead to growth. But at a certain point, self-criticism can paralyze positive action, and rarely contributes anything good. It can also lead you to repeat the mistake because feeling bad about making a past error is not necessarily a guarantee that you’ve learned from it or would do the same thing differently, even if you are genuinely remorseful.

So – without being overly clinical, sometimes it’s best to redefine yourself anew, despite those past mistakes. In this post, we’ll discuss a few tips and principles to help you in this direction:

How should I think about the mistake?

Well, the truth is that the mistake will be part of your story. Does this mean you’re defined as a terrible person with no redemption possible? Absolutely not, people who have made many more significant and destructive errors than you have managed to turn it around and do some good, richer for the experience. For instance, it’s not uncommon for former gang members to become reformed, preach about the dangers of crime, and go into schools to speak of their experiences, convincing wayward children to take opportunities they’re given.

It’s unlikely you’re in that position. You might have used 24 hour bail bonds services to bring you help give you some breathing room from your breaking of the law, or perhaps your partner caught your infidelity and as such, you lost that relationship. Whatever the issue is, it’s good to sit back, and properly consider the scope of the issue.

Where were you at fault? What led you to make that decision? Who did it affect? Can you make amends, even tangentially or indirectly? What will the punishment or fallout for the issue be, and how can I deal with it? What lessons did you learn?

When you look at mistakes in this way and can answer those questions, you tend to frame them in an understandable manner. All of a sudden, the mistake is not a vague entity you carry on your back for years, but something you can partition into its own category, and live your life without being suffocated by your guilt. It will also help you avoid over-responding to the situation. In some cases, this can help you sincerely repair the issue – because at least you understand what it is.

Think this way – if someone wronged you, and they recognized that, then asked those questions above and answered them sincerely – would you feel better about what happened? Most likely. This is how healing often starts.

Do I need to make systemic changes in my life?

A mistake might not be a result of a quick-fire decision you made that caused a real problem. In fact, it’s rarely this. Often, mistakes come as a result of sustained living decisions or situations that mold this scenario to be more likely to happen.

For example, let’s say that you have had a problem with drinking. If you’re trying to get over it, and have lived sober for a year, then hanging out with your old drinking friends, who are still very much overindulging, is not a good idea.

If you think you can hold on while around them, and change nothing, then that may be the first decision that leads to the mistake. Then if we agree to meet up at the local bar after work for one or two drinks, that’s another mistake. Before long you might return back to where you had promised yourself not to return – and it would have been because of systemic decisions that led you to an environment you were better off avoiding.

This might sound obvious in retrospect, but many situations and motivations can lead to the issues we have experienced. For example, your social group, your career goals, your romantic life, mistakes can occur anywhere. It might just be that talking to your spouse about your worries would have prevented you from flirting with the colleague and ultimately making that mistake. 

If the issue has happened, and you wish to make genuine changes, always consider the sustainable approach. It does make a difference.

Is there anything/anyone I can lean on, and can I repay the favor?

Mistakes can be very problematic in terms of how they affect the direction of your life. Whether or not the extent of this is actually deserved, sometimes, it’s worth accepting the outcome and trying to rebuild as much as you can.

It’s okay to admit this is often a difficult issue. Sometimes, a mistake can cause problems with your previous connections. Burning bridges can lead to very difficult times, and so instead of forcing them to reconnect, it’s important to see what you do have.

If you have anyone you can lean on for advice or help at this time, don’t be afraid to ask. Having a sibling drive you to work before you get your temp license, for instance, may help you get that first ray of light back to normality. Don’t be too proud to ask, but never forget the help you receive.

When you’re in a better situation, then perhaps you can repay the favor. For instance, if you need to move back in with your parents for a couple of months to get back on your feet, or to negotiate visitation for a child correctly and prove your positive behavior leading up to that – always take hold of any lifelines or ropes you’re given. They can help you walk the path back to normality, and it also gives you a positive goal to work for.

Who do I want to be?

When you’ve made a mistake that has changed the course of your life, or perhaps several of them, it’s very easy to look at yourself in a totally negative way. After all, you’ve been the kind of person that makes such a mistake, right?

That said, this is hardly a definitive statement. Believe us when we say that you have more potential in almost all directions than you could probably ever recognize. A few mistakes, in a specific situation, does not determine your entire character forever more. Even if you’ve been willingly making the same mistake for twenty years, your willingness to understand, rectify and resolve shows that you are no longer that person.

So – ask yourself who you want to be. This might sound trite, or a platitude, but it’s not. You get to ask that of yourself. With the experience of the mistake, you can inform yourself of who you would not like to be, and that can make the question easier. It strikes out one possibility you may have otherwise fallen into.

Asking this question also allows you to visualize you in that state. What if you renewed your career, or tried a new relationship being 100% honest when you have found your feet correctly? What if you tried all you could to begin the best possible parent? It’s hard not to feel excited at that prospect. Working towards this will also help you avoid fixating on the mistake and what it cost you and others, but what you can do to make the future brighter.

A fully actualized version of you is going to be a much more positive person to engage with in the future, so the positive effect you’ll have will vastly outweigh the knock-on effects of your mistake.

Would charity work or helpful assistance help you restore the balance?

For some people, a sense of guilt can be alleviated by doing some purposeful good. Of course, charity and the causes you help are much more important than just feeling better, and it’s important to be clear about that with yourself.

Yet if you’re helping properly, you’re helping properly. Volunteering at a homeless shelter, fundraising for a cause you care about, or even spending your time in a charity store to help them process sales, all voluntarily, can make a big difference. It’s human nature to want to do some good after we’ve been rocked by a difficult situation. So don’t feel guilty for doing so – it might help you get back to the good in you, and find the person you want to be.

With this advice, we hope you can see that life goes on even after mistakes are made. This can be a difficult reality to accept, but it’s true, and should you focus on trying to be a little better, you may outweigh the harm you caused yourself or others. Just don’t view this as some super-strict penance you have to constantly focus on – a sustainable, caring approach while being realistic about your own needs is the best mindset to take.

You’ve got this!