I’ll level with you guys, I’ve been in a bit of a life funk the last few months.

I have three best friends from high school. One got married last weekend, another is having a baby in 3 weeks and the other just bought their first house.

And me… well, take your choice of the following memes:

My work is pretty much my whole life. I feel like everyone was upfront with me about that back in college while I was training to be a stage manager and I felt like it was still the challenge I wanted to tackle.

I’ve been feeling a little dissatisfied for a long time and there have definitely been a few moments that have brought it to a head.

Last December, I was working as a stagehand for a few weeks down where I went to college and I would pop in occasionally and chat with one of my old professors. The first time I ducked into his office, his first questions were about what I was doing with life other than work and he reminded me to make sure I don’t miss out on the rest of life. The man who taught me lighting design and theater history pretty much chastised me for not going out on a date for a year.

It was sort of an alarming eye opener – especially from someone who I thought would understand.

I also noticed that the times I’m happiest are definitely when I’m with family and friends. I’ve loved being able to go on the big family camping trip the last two Memorial Day weekends. As much as everyone used to be on my case about missing it, I didn’t fully realize what I was missing and how much it mattered.

This past weekend I was deep in the life funk preparing for my best friend’s wedding. Then I was sitting at the rehearsal dinner with the house buying BFF who was also a bridesmaid and the dad-to-be who officiated the wedding, catching up with the bride-to-be and my whole heart was full and happy and I thought, I miss all this. And it’s my career choice that makes it so that it’s a blue moon when I can actually get together with everyone.

At the wedding, I bonded a little with one of the groomsmen who was in the same funk, but he was in an even darker place and as I was trying to pep talk him a little, I realized that it is entirely within my control to change my destiny. I was also a little alarmed because it was kind of like looking into a mirror and all I could think was, is this how I come across to others?

There’s a huge difference between changing paths and failing at something. I sure as heck have not failed at being a stage manager. I actually feel confident that I can easily work till retirement doing this job – finding work and making enough money. But it honestly eats every aspect of your life and I think I’m darn near done with that. The joy I used to get just isn’t there.

It was super liberating this weekend to realize that I’m not trapped though. Honestly, if my current job is genuinely that miserable, I can quit. It’s not the end of the world. They’ll just replace me.

I don’t have plans to do that – I plan to finish up this contract and then start exploring some other options, even if there still has to be some more stage management while I’m exploring. Options that let me have a life with vacation days and sick days and weekends where I can go see family and a steady schedule so I can develop a hobby (yesssss, roller derby, your time is finally coming).

But isn’t it crazy how your mind just convinces you you’re trapped? You think there’s just no way out of the rut. But it’s a lie.

So before you chase your dreams, honestly think about everything else you may have to give up. If you still think it’s worth it – chase away. The first thing I tell anyone who tells me they want to work in theater is don’t do it – but I am 100% supportive of the psychopaths who decide to chase that dream anyway, heaven knows, nothing was gonna stop 23 year old me. I fully support chasing your dreams, but I’m starting to have a lot more sympathy for people whose dream is life outside their career choices. I don’t think that was a thing 23 year old Mel could understand, but 32 year old Mel is trying.

As for me, if anyone has any suggestions for what a stage manager can do when they want a less crazy life, ya’ll let me know, ok?