I am definitely in a motivation lull.

Which kind of sucks, cause I’ve got a bit going on right now.

Today’s to do list included some time sensitive things like:

• Intro to Computer Applications Unit 8
  • Access Project
  • Access 2a Project
  • Access 2b Project
  • Answer Discussion Question
  • Take Access Practice Test
• Statistics Chapter 7 Homework
• Write blog post
• Print New Script
• Copy All Blocking Into New Script
• Update Exit & Entrance Plot
• Create Costume Change & Background Change Plots

Folks… I just want to take a nap and watch Parks & Rec.

This list legit feels unattainable to me today. Though I am plodding through one of those to do items right this second.

I can’t shake off this intense lethargic feeling I have.

Also, does money even matter anymore? Is any of this real? 

I’m taking a day off from giving a damn.

I also had a weird experience last week where I had to do one week at my normal life speed and I literally felt like I was dying.

I worked 6-8 hours starting at 6:30 AM all week as an usher for a local college’s outdoor graduations.

Then I came home and I had to do homework and work on the blog immediately because in the evenings I had rehearsals and production meetings for Dracula.

While 6:30 AM is lousy in my book at all times in life, I have definitely lived for extended periods of time at this speed.

I can’t decide right now if quarantine weakened me (probably) or the speed we live at is literally just flipping ridiculous (likely).

I mean, I had thought I was staying fairly busy and productive for most of this social distancing time – even in the delightful (not) newly unemployed phase.

One of those days, after about 8 hours in high 90 degree weather with plus whatever humidity NJ was throwing at us – largely in direct sunlight on the bleachers – I came home, knowing I absolutely had to do some homework and my body just would not.

I stared at those statistic problems for a solid 40 minutes with nothing making sense. And I was so cranky. And I knew I had to be functional for a 4 hour rehearsal a few hours from them.

I shut off the computer and took a nap.

I seriously cannot remember a time I dealt with being tired by giving up and taking a nap.

Which, logically, is probably the actual correct way to approach exhaustion and your brain barely functioning anymore.

Got a crappy grade on that homework.

But was functional again for rehearsal.

#priorities

But that being said, I was in like a state of shock and felt like a failure all week.

Why can’t I balance all the things? I am usually excellent at balancing all the things.

In retrospect, here are a few of my thoughts:

• The first week and then some at work will probably kick all of our butts.
• To do all the things, I usually have some intense system in place regarding organization and when things get done – none of them were in place last week. I’ve been doing this stuff so long I don’t even think about these systems, until they’re not there and I’m a hot mess.
• I don’t think any of us sleep enough normally. And I think we’re in denial about the accompanying cognitive decline.

But mostly, I keep coming back to the systems. I think I reached a fairly critical meltdown (that fortunately no one could see on my side of the Zoom chat) because I wasn’t fully prepared for rehearsal.

Our director and playwright, bless him, keeps rewriting the script.

In my super chill COVID world, I update everything right before our rehearsals, because I might have to update things 4-5 times between them otherwise.

In my not-so-chill not COVID world, I do updates as I get new things because you never know what might mess up your schedule and do I want to be updating a costume plot at 3:00 AM?  No.

Turns out COVID Mel forgot this, got to Tuesday, which is usually update all the things day, and was like… AHAHAHAAH I have to work forever, I’m exhausted, I have a test for a class, and a digital game night birthday party to go to.

…I thought about skipping the birthday party, but it was mine so that seemed a little weird.

And as I panic rushed through everything, I thought, how did this happen? And that’s when I remembered that during this whole process, I’ve had all the time in the world, and now that I don’t, procrastination is not an option.

Ya’ll, I like didn’t even know I was procrastinating.  Is this how the other half live? I always wondered how people can be so chill about not having stuff done. Are they literally unaware their lives are on the brink of a meltdown at all times? I am so puzzled.

But anyway. That’s my story. When COVID is gone and life resumes, don’t forget to check in on your organization systems. You might have left them of the side of the road, just like I did.