As a follow up to my post the other day, I was left thinking about how I was sort of regretting not paying for a more expensive apartment to the tune of an extra £400-500 to enable making going to the gym easier.

And then in the same paragraph groaning about the £4 to take the bus up and down the hill to get to the gym.

If I go to the gym 5 days a week and take the bus both ways, that still a little under £100.

Less than I was prepared to pay monthly for the nicer apartment.

But more than I am willing to shell out bit by bit.

What is that???

On the one hand, there are psychologists Susan Fiske and Shelley Taylor who did some research and found humans are super lazy really and will generally pick the simplest answer that requires the least effort.

This tracks with what I just wrote above. Laziness certainly plays a big part in my reluctance to hit the gym. Between how long the commute takes, to dealing with the nasty weather getting there, to waiting again for whenever a bus might decide to show up afterwards to get me home… nothing at all about going to the gym here is easy.

It also reminds me of a 2019 Guardian article about the woman who writes about money dysmorphia – where you can’t recognize you are actually ok financially and feel wild guilt about upgrading your lifestyle or buying anything expensive. I don’t think I feel wild guilt but some of the lines in that article like “a $400 jacket isn’t a jacket that costs $400. It’s a jacket that could have cost $30 and utilities for a month and a week’s worth of groceries” rang a little true.

And this:

My unwillingness to spend a little more on myself is bad for me. It meant that I went to the cheap therapist with no qualifications (she shrugged when I told her my worries and said “no idea”). It meant that I chose the cheap dermatologist who left me with a rash. It meant that I worked four years without taking a vacation and ended up with exhaustion deep in my bones.

For pete’s sake. I feel blatantly called out on that one because you all literally see my net worth tracking every month and still listen to me write about avoiding doctors, using budget mental health care and cutting all sorts of unnecessary (?) corners.

So… I don’t know where I’m going with this post. Especially on a tight budget while I’m back in school. None the less, I think a lot about that touring friend who mentioning upgrading his apartment choices and wondering why on earth it took him so long.

Today I went to a free art gallery in a different area of London that was largely full of apartment buildings and the area was so nice. I slowed down walking past one of the letting offices to read some of the apartment listings and while I really can’t buy one of those places, I could rent one after I graduate.

I went to the gallery and then stopped and got a crepe from a food truck and sat in the lovely, open grassy area between the buildings and just stared at them, thinking about how their boilers probably work and they can probably temperature control their homes in a reasonable way. They probably don’t have to constantly guard against mice and with those lobbies and doormen, I bet their neighbours don’t steal their packages and their hallway doesn’t have a warning to double check the lock so homeless people don’t get in.

And I was wildly jealous for a few moments before finishing my very delicious crepe and heading on my way.

It just seems sometimes like this close to 40, life should be a little more settled than it is, and it just isn’t. And part of me is pretty tired of the chaos even though I suppose I did it to myself with my life choices. Or maybe my subconscious does always think all I’ll ever amount to is being a starving artist sometimes.

And that is today’s bowl of sunshine for ya’ll.