When someone close to you is dealing with one of the many unfortunate events life likes to throw at us – an illness in the family, care giving for someone terminally ill or death (or a few of the happy ones like bringing home a new baby), it’s not uncommon to wonder what you can do for them.
This post is just meant to be some of my own observations from this past spring about things people did for my family that were awesome and a few things that were totally well meant, but missed the mark.
And, please don’t consider me an ungrateful cow, we really did appreciate everything everyone did for us, it’s just that, personally, I would like to be as helpful as possible in the reverse situation. Although my family still laughs about the Dunkin Donuts thing… at least it’s funny now.
#1. Don’t send junk food.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Boston Cream Donut. But the fact is that when my family was fending for ourselves, we ate a lot of crap. Trust me, without anyone’s help, when we were collapsing exhausted at the end of the day, all we did was order pizza and take out.
Like everything happening in our home wasn’t depressing enough, we were now also getting fat.
There was a wave of a week straight when people brought us Dunkin Donuts.
- Day 1: Oh, donuts. Thanks!
- Day 2: Hmmm. Donuts. Thanks.
- Day 3: Really? Donuts?
- Day 4: No, but really? I can’t eat another donut. No, I mean, of course I’m going to eat 6 of them throughout this stressful, miserable day. But really?
- Day 5: This is a joke, right?
- Day 6: Hysterical laughter between me and my mom. Puzzlement from the well meaning friend.
- Day 7: Ok, pal, I love you, but take this box of donuts and the three we still have sitting here from previous days and just get out of our house.
None of these are probably the reaction you were going for.
Which leads us to the very logical –
#2. Do send healthy food.
I know you’re busy, but if you want to score a real win, anything healthy and easy for us to heat up was appreciated.
A casserole to just shove in the oven? It was nectar of the gods.
One of my mom’s co-workers brought over a bag of homemade chicken salad sandwiches.
We devoured them. Right in front of her. And raved that she was incredible, because she was and they were delicious and not deep fried. Or a pizza (pizza was second only to Dunkin Donuts in our home for those few weeks).
#3. Send gift certificates to restaurants that deliver.
Like I said, you’re probably busy.
$50 may or may not be a lot of money to you, but for a family of 4, that’ll pick up that tab at a place like Chili’s – which one of can go run out and grab (because as cruel as it sounds, escaping the house for a little while is usually a blessing) but it’s still like real food. And, of course, you can always pick up discounted gift cards at great sites like Raise.com.
A quick Google will tell you if your friend lives near an Applebee’s, Cheesecake Factory, T.G.I.Friday’s – all of these are the types of places that have real meals, with some actual nutritional value and can be picked up curbside.
As I mentioned above, we were eating take out and frozen meals all the time, so things like Applebee’s were way too expensive during that time.
#4. Coordinate a schedule with as many people as you can.
No joke, one day the week after my grandmother’s funeral, 4 different families sent us food on the same day. And it was a lot of food. Everyone though my aunt and her family were still at our house, so they sent over food for 8. They had actually left that morning.
It seemed like there were times we were so buried in food there was no way to eat it all. The weirdest thing about those 4 meals was that 3 of them came from teachers and the office staff at the school my mom works at.
Ladies, how is this not something you’re all pros at coordinating? I’m still puzzled over that one.
#5. Time your food well and give the family a heads up.
Along the same lines, my personal recommendation would be to wait a few days and then send a meal.
Odds are good that immediately following a death, the family is covered. If you wait till the end of the week or the following week, you’re less likely to overlap your food delivery with people from the family’s other social circles.
At one point we had 5 of those big fresh fruit bouquets at the same time. They are flipping delicious, but there was no way we could eat all that fruit.
It may feel weird to you to wait several days, but grief doesn’t stop just because the funeral is over and it’s nice to still be thought of in the days afterward.
It also doesn’t hurt to give a call or shoot a text and say you’d like to send over some food this week, when’s a good time? This is especially useful if you’re having food delivered. You need to know someone will be there and leading up to and following a funeral, there are so many errands to run, there’s no guarantee someone will be home to answer the door.
One final thought – you can’t really do anything wrong by dropping off food. The worst that would happen is it would get thrown in the trash after you leave. I know my family, and I’m sure it’s true of most, appreciated everything everyone did for us during that time… even if your well meant donuts turn into comic relief instead of sustenance for us.
I hate that junk food is always a default. Getting healthy food that’s also vegetarian almost never happens.
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I’m sure it’s a convenience factor. Or maybe that people sort of look at it like a treat and don’t realize that that’s not the case in those situations.
This is spot on. I try to have 1-2 meals that are easy to mix up to take in times like this, whether it be for a death or a birth, and it try to wait a couple of weeks so that I can let them know that they are still in my thoughts. I learned from both my father and mother’s deaths that the family is covered up in so much food the first couple of days, but that the grief sometimes sinks in later, after all the food and visitors are gone.
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Very good advice- thanks for sharing. Someone I know that was in that situation with a sick family member – and they were very happy to get a gift certificate for a restaurant – they were tired of drive thru/paper bag food. The certificate meant that they could get the food when they needed it. Seemed like they were always running to the hospital and their schedule was erratic.
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Yeah, it’s definitely nice to be able to make their life easier and still give them some options regarding what they wanted to eat.
This was great advice, Mel. I took lasagna over to our neighbours when their daughter was killed in a car crash, and thinking about it now, I probably should have checked first or waited a bit longer. It was such a tragic time for them. This post will be really helpful for many.
debt debs recently posted…Sticky Business: A busy bee ‘s work is never done
I always try to make something rather than buy something. Even if muffins are kind of junky, they’re 10x better than dunkin donuts.
When my fiancé was unexpectedly in the hospital for two weeks (three years ago), I took care of him, but my Mom and Dad took care of me. It was a chain. They’d feed me (feed me dinner and then pack me a lunch for the next day), and help with the cats. I didn’t care if they were leftovers – I couldn’t eat another cafeteria meal, or Tim’s pseudo meal (coffee and a bagel).
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Love the chicken salad sandwich idea. When my mom was recovering from surgery someone dropped off goulash in a bag purchased from a gas station. My sister wouldn’t give it to her because it was purchased from a gas station. My earthy niece dropped off homemade nettle tea. She wouldn’t go near that. Her cupboards and freezer were filled with processed food or junk food. A real home cooked meal would have been much appreciated.
Yeah, sometimes it’s definitely the thought that counts… although a gas station goulash, huh? That’s different.
I love these tips, really helpful for those in that situation. My fave is sending gift certs to restaurants that deliver. You’ve really thought about this list hey 🙂 Ps.. thanks for making me hungry. thats the last thing I need on my current diet hahaha
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I think the healthy food tip is the best. You are already feeling stressed and low and your immune system have have trouble fighting off things, so nourishing it with healthy stuff can only help. And the crash you get from really sugary foods like doughnuts just makes you feel crappier! I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Thanks, Tonya! I think we’re starting to adapt over here – but it was all a really massive learning experience on so many levels… right down to donuts.
Such good advice and this goes for bringing food to anyone. We really enjoyed getting healthy things when people brought us food after the twins were born.
I had a housefire once and these same guidelines pretty much apply. Anything we didn’t have to cook that was HEALTHY was amazing. So grateful for the good people who helped us out.
femmefrugality recently posted…Reliving my Childhood: Lake Arthur Regatta 2014
Ugh. That’s terrible. I’m glad people were able to help out!
At the moment, my wife is helping out a neighbor of ours to take to a hospice center. The center itself provides a terminally ill care and luckily it allows for pets and friends to visit their patients. That’s something that both my wife and I are happy about in order to be closer to our neighbor.
What a joy to find this beautiful post!
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Thank you!