I was feeling a little ranty on this subject after the last week of applying to Muggle jobs and I felt like here was the place to share.

Now, I know I’m a little spoiled from years of word of mouth jobs, or having to send a whopping grand total of a cover letter and a resume (which, naively, I thought was a standard job application). Once in a blue moon, usually after an interview, I might be asked to send some paperwork samples over too.

I reformatted my stage management resume into something that looks more like a Muggle resume and off I went on my job hunt. I scoured LinkedIn, Indeed, the administrative side of all the arts websites, and Google in general.

And I started applying for anything in the event coordinating, project managing, “this looks sort of interesting” world.

And mother. of. pearl. These applications are a joke.

Ya’ll. I have applied to faculty positions for universities with less hub-bub than some of the applications to be a secretary.

A SECRETARY.

(And in case you’ve missed that particular joy in life – that application process to work on faculty at a college is like hours upon hours of collating your information, providing writing samples, sample syllabi, teaching mock lessons, and like a dozen interviews – it is really unpleasant.)

(This also isn’t to say secretaries are any kind of less than, but even the application says “entry level position” so…)

My new favorite thing seems to be a 1 minute video resume that you provide the company, which in particular is stressing me the eff out.

Also the 500 words or so on how I fit into the company culture, which is always a list of like 10 vague but super positive statements.

And I’m just going to add here, because this is my rant, that all of these make me deep sign and think, I probably don’t fit in your culture. I just like to efficiently get stuff done and your entire application process here is telling me you value pizzazz and bubbly nonsense over efficient results and that you will regularly waste my time with this garbage.

And also, even though I feel that way, I do want to give your clients and excellent product. And I am fairly pleasant to work with. And I do value quality.

I am also pretty introverted and awkward AF – so your video resume is probably disqualifying me from the get go.

Deep sigh.

Did I mentioned I hate 1 minute video resumes?

My other new favorite thing I’ve found on this job hunt is that several companies thank me for applying and then tell me my next step is to take some random internet certification course, usually at HubSpot, each of which will take 2-4 hours of my time.

Like… am I actually being considered for this job, because this seems like an automated email? It seems like you should interview me and then if we like each other, tell me that I need to complete these things, because even if they are free, they’re like a full day of work for each company.

I’m sure it weeds out some of your applicants who don’t reply back that they’ve done it (cause this is kind of nonsense), but seriously, what the eff? It seems pretty rude on your part, company.

I’m 99% sure I need to start my own business, because I struggle way too much working for others. I mean, somehow in theater it generally doesn’t bother me, but once you step into the 9-to-5 world (also a joke, because most job descriptions also point out working crazy long hours is expected of you – super awesome) it just feels extra demoralizing.

So friends, I’m sure I’m not the only one who is walking this WTF journey of Muggle job applications. If you ever need to vent to someone who feels similarly, let that rage out in the comments below.